I saw a post yesterday where a man said he wanted four things in a relationship:
1. Monogamy
2. Intentionality
3. Loyalty
4. Trust
And comment after comment all said some version of “YES, those are the most important things!”🤦🏻♀️
So… I couldn’t help myself. I had to comment. 😂 Because I see this ALL. THE. TIME.
People base what they want in a relationship on how they’ve been hurt in the past.
💔 “I want someone loyal because I’ve been cheated on.”
💔 “I need someone who communicates because my ex never did.”
💔 “I want someone intentional because I’ve wasted enough time.”
And those things absolutely matter. But sometimes we’re so focused on controlling the behavior of the next person that we never stop to examine our own patterns, choices, or discernment.
One of the biggest mistakes we make in dating?
We meet someone we like…
We feel chemistry…
We get excited…
We start imagining the possibilities…
And THEN… later… we start asking whether they’re actually a good fit.
But by then, we’re emotionally invested. So now we’re negotiating with ourselves.
🫣 “Well, he’s not really emotionally available, but…”
🫣 “She says she doesn’t want kids, but maybe she’ll change her mind.”
🫣 “We want completely different lives, but everything else is so good.”
🫣 “They don’t communicate the way I need, but the chemistry is fire.”
No judgment. I’ve made these mistakes, too.
You need to know what you’re looking for BEFORE the person you’re attracted to starts influencing the answer.
And I’m not talking about a checklist of height, income, hobbies, or whether they text good morning.
I’m talking about the things that actually determine whether a relationship has legs and a future.
When I commented on that post, I began with this:
“You’re answering the surface-level question, ‘What do I want in a relationship?’
I would challenge you to take it deeper with, ‘What kind of human being do I want to build a relationship with?’
Character, Integrity, Values, and Alignment change the entire dating conversation.”
CHARACTER
Who are they when nobody is watching?
INTEGRITY
Do their actions consistently match their words?
VALUES
What actually matters to them, and does it matter to you, too?
ALIGNMENT
Do your lives, goals, communication, expectations, and vision for partnership actually fit?
Because monogamy, loyalty, intentionality, and trust? Sure, those matter, but they’re not the whole picture. They’re what you build when you’ve chosen the person to build with.
Leading into the second portion of my comment:
“If someone has character and integrity, their loyalty means something.
If you share values and alignment, intentionality has somewhere to go.
And when someone’s behavior consistently matches their character, integrity, and commitments, trust naturally gets built.
Monogamy then becomes a mutually chosen structure rather than the centerpiece of the relationship. 😉”
I don’t think most of us need another list of “red flags”.
🤔 We need to understand WHY we’re choosing who we’re choosing.
🤔 We need to recognize OUR patterns.
🤔 We need to get honest about what WE actually want.
And we need to learn how to distinguish chemistry from compatibility, potential from reality, and attraction from alignment.
You don’t need to become more skilled at convincing the wrong person to meet your needs.
You need to become more skilled at recognizing who is actually capable of meeting them.
So before you ask: “Do they like me?”
Ask: “Do I actually like who they are and how they show up in the world?”
Before you ask: “Could this become something?”
Ask: “Would I choose this person if I weren’t already attached to the potential?”
And before you fall in love with the possibility… Decide what YOU want.
Then have the courage to walk away from what doesn’t align.
Chemistry can get you attached, but clarity helps you choose what you actually want.😘
And maybe that’s the conversation we need to have more of.
❤️ Terica
